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When Dad Hurts Mom: Helping Your Children Heal the Wounds of Witnessing Abuse, by Lundy Bancroft
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Review
“If you have a child who has seen or heard abuse, this book is for you.”—Patricia Evans, author of Teen Torment: Overcoming Verbal Abuse at Home and at School“The perfect, long-awaited guide for mothers who have been abused…also essential reading for every social worker, custody evaluator, guardian ad litem, custody attorney, child protection worker, and judge.”—Joan Zorza, Esq., editor, Domestic Violence Report“The system to protect the abused is seriously flawed. Bancroft helps mothers win the battle using the court’s rules while empowering them to write new ones.”—The Cleveland Plain Dealer“A gift to mothers who are in abusive relationships. With exceptional compassion and deep understanding, Lundy Bancroft helps abused mothers understand how their children are affected by an abuser’s attitude and behavior, and empowers them to…help their children heal…I strongly recommend the book to mothers who are currently being abused or who have been abused in the past, as well as to therapists who work with abused women and their children.”—Beverly Engel, MFT, author of The Emotionally Abused Woman and Loving Him Without Losing You “Wonderful—this book covers the most important concerns facing an abused mother, in a friendly and compassionate tone that helps women avoid self-blame, while empowering them to promote their children’s well-being.”—Mo Therese Hannah, Ph.D., psychologist, Siena College
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About the Author
Lundy Bancroft has over twenty-five years of experience in the fields of abuse, trauma, and recovery. He has published five books, including the bestseller Why Does He Do That?, Daily Wisdom for Why Does He Do That?, When Dad Hurts Mom, The Batterer as Parent, and Should I Stay of Should I Go?. Lundy has worked with over 1000 abusive men in his counseling groups. He has also served extensively as a custody evaluator, child abuse investigator, and expert witness, and has presented to 350 audiences across the U.S. and abroad.
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Product details
Paperback: 384 pages
Publisher: Berkley; Later Printing Used edition (March 1, 2005)
Language: English
ISBN-10: 0425200310
ISBN-13: 978-0425200315
Product Dimensions:
6 x 1 x 9 inches
Shipping Weight: 14.4 ounces (View shipping rates and policies)
Average Customer Review:
4.9 out of 5 stars
66 customer reviews
Amazon Best Sellers Rank:
#36,312 in Books (See Top 100 in Books)
He has more experience in dealing with abusers, their victims, and the collateral damage than basically anyone else. He communicates his ideas and facts clearly and succinctly, with the precise amount of detail necessary.I was reading this book recently and my 8yo son glanced at a couple of paragraphs over my shoulder and said, "This is about my dad, isn't it?" The style is direct enough for him to recognize what it was for, and it turned out to be incredibly helpful for both of us to recover from years of verbal abuse and manipulation. I heartily recommend reading this book as a companion volume to Why Does He Do That, also by Lundy Bancroft. They make for extremely illuminating and cathartic reading, and serve as wonderful and necessary reminders that the victims are just that -- the abusers make the conscious choices that shape the relationship in a negative way.
This is one of my first Lundy Bancroft books and I found it to be so helpful. I have a young child with an abusive partner and was looking for some guidance in how to raise him and help him get past the trauma of living with an abuser. This book put some of his behaviors in perspective, and is also reassuring and caring of what mothers are going through in this situation (rather than re-victimizing the abuse survivor as tends to happen over in over in court proceedings). It focuses as much if not more on verbal, emotional abuse as it does physical, which is helpful when so many people don't seem to get that just because someone doesn't beat you or your children doesn't mean they aren't doing immeasurable harm. The only negative I would say is I was looking for more information/guidance on what to do when the abuser is also abusing the children, or has abused the children, and they are still forced to spend time with the abusive parent. But this book focuses on the children "witnessing" abuse, not being abused themselves. I didn't take off any stars for that because the title is very clear that this book is about the abuse of the mother, and he does say that abusers who abuse their spouse typically do abuse the children too. I just wish he would have gone more into that aspect. Maybe that's in another of his books, I will certainly be reading more of them. This was a great first step for me, I'm so thankful to have found this book. Gave great advice on how to discuss the abuser and abuse with your children, without badmouthing the other parent or even directly discussing him (and therefore risking being accused of parental alienation). If you are a parent who lives with or has left an abusive partner, you need to read this book. If you are a mental health care practitioner, a divorce lawyer, a guardian ad litem, a family court judge - you need to read this book.
Thank you Mr. Bancroft for writing this book. This is incredibly helpful. I have now quoted it many times, too. If you are looking for a resource to raise your children you share with your abuser, you will find this book very helpful. You are not alone. He can help you. If you are judge, lawyer, parent coordinator, GAL... PLEASE read this book to learn how domestic abuse hurts children, even if they don't get hit. We have an epidemic in this country that needs to be stopped. This book and your other books are truly the help that I needed!! I will continue to share your work when ever I speak to groups about abuse, write about it, or need to co-parent with my abuser. Thank you.
Lundy Bancroft has such amazing insight into abusive situations. His books are so empowering to women who are trying to make sense of the chaos going on around them that is created by the abusive partner. He covers every aspect of the situation in so much detail that all of your questions are answered, you come away with a clear understanding of what is happening and what you can do to change things. This book is ideal for helping women with children in (or previously in) an abusive relationship gain clarity and insight, gather some direction and form a plan, and most of all, know where hope lies and how they might move toward it and away from the abuse. This and "Why Does He Do That" have given me more strength to leave and make necessary changes in my life, for me and my daughter, than any other single source.
Not just for mom. This book is great for family members and adult friends in the dynamics of day to day. Gets clogged at times with stories of others. Keep notes for points to share and reminders. Get some stickies to flag pages of interest. Dad doesn't hurt just mom he garners the attention of others who love mom and the kids so much more than he ever will.
Excellent book. Lundy speaks from experience and gives specific suggestions to help children heal. His writing is straightforward, reading as if he's sitting across the room. This book is a must read for parents, families, friends and professionals who work with children on any level. I highly recommend his other book, "Why Does He Do That?" either before this one or along with it, although it can stand alone, it furthers ideas and suggestions for women who have been with an abuser.
A must read for a mom who is a victim of domestic violence. Whether you want to believe it or not, your kids have been affected by the violence you have experienced. Gives helpful tools to help you help your kids heal. Awesome!
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